March 13, 2008

About half an hour ago I discovered to my horror that I left the house this morning only partially shaved.  I missed a small section just under my right nostril and am currently sporting what can only be described as the beginings of half a Hitler-tash.  I think we can all agree that post-1946 a Hitler-tash is something of a facial hair faux-pas.  With half a Hitler-tash people are going to be confused as to exactly what I was trying to do and will most likely be offended anyway.  I am going to have to spend the day angling my head, standing sideways-on to people or positioning my hand to cover up my deeply innapropriate stubble growth.

I can not be the first man to leave the house half-shaved.  I am sure it has happened to most of us at some point.  It is like walking around with your flies open, but harder to fix.  I should carry a razor in my bag for this kind of thing.  If only I was that forward thinking.  I do have a pen knife but I can see that ending with a trip to the hospital to re-attach parts of my face.  There is a craft-knife blade somewhere on my desk (I remember – I was showing my co-workers how to make a shank if ever they found themselves in prison and could not find a toothbrush to sharpen).  If I can find my shank and am very careful maybe I could save myself a lot of difficult conversations.

I wonder if anyone has noticed apart from me.  It is not like people really spend that long looking at each other’s faces.  Maybe someone has noticed.  If they only saw me in profile from the right they might believe that I was growing a full Hitler-tash.  They might tell their colleagues.  By this afternoon people could be accusing me of being a Nazi.  I could be fired and no one will ever want to hire someone whose reason for dismissal from previous job includes the word “Hitler” in any context.  Thanks to one momentary oversight in the bathroom this morning I will wind up homeless.  Even other homeless people will hate me becuase they will believe the Hitler-facial hair rumors.

Maybe the pen-knife-face plan is not so bad an idea…

 [Update: I went to Tescos during my lunch break and bought a razor.  I also bought communal cookies to share around the office, you know, just to be safe.]


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